Becoming Comfortable Being Disliked

I have a friend whom everyone likes. I mean, really, it seems like all my other friends meet this person and they are like, “She is so great, can I get her number?!” But recently we were talking, and she pointed out someone who I am friends with who doesn’t seem to like her. She said she just knew, it’s a vibe.

“Does it bother you?”

“It used to. But not anymore.”

“What changed?”

“I like myself. I don’t really need that external validation anymore. Sure, it stings at first, but then it kind of just passes.”

Being disliked is a form of rejection and unfortunately even for the most amicable people it is a part of life. I know this friend I’m writing about worked hard in therapy, learning to tolerate the feeling of rejection, to no longer need to people-please, and to let go of the pressure she feels to appease people. Many of these feelings she carried with her for so long were seeded in her childhood with a parent who couldn’t attune to her. So as a child she always tried to gain their approval by being pleasing. That behavior followed her in to adulthood, not just with that parent but with most people in her life.

The fear of being disliked as someone in your thirties or forties is rarely about the present.

Being disliked or not cared for as children equates to a lack of safety in our brains. If you cant get a caregiver to pay attention, you may not get basic needs met like being fed or changed. Many of us experience caregivers who lack basic attunement skills, and that leaves us feeling like we need to do something to get people to care about us, and if we don’t, we are bad or unworthy in some way.

This is where the inner critic is born. This voice tries to course-correct us to be more pleasing in social interactions, in order to protect us from judgment and disappointment. The problem is it is created in childhood and sometimes no longer serves us properly as adults. In therapy, we work on understanding this critical part. Whose voice is it you have internalized? A family member? Teacher? It’s usually not your own.

We all want to be liked and accepted, but some people NEED to be because of these childhood wounds. They develop strategies to ensure they are not left on their own like people-pleasing, over-explaining, and being guarded-defense mechanisms used to avoid rejection.

Do you find yourself doing these things? You may struggle with tolerating the discomfort of being disliked.

Learning to tolerate the feeling of someone not connecting with your or out right judging or not liking you is hard but it is possible. Understanding and seeing that you may be triggered or being reactive in moments of perceived disregard can help you to be able to handle the emotions that come up in these circumstances. You can also learn to fight the impulse to act in ways that are no longer right for you if you give your self space to understand your reaction and where it is really coming from.

What helps us to tolerate when others aren’t interested in engaging or are put off by us is liking and knowing ourselves.

If you like you it is a lot easier to take someone else not being interested in being close. Get to know yourself. What do you value? What makes up the core components of your identity? What do you like about yourself? What would you like to improve? Being comfortable in who you are allows you to handle being disliked more easily and frees you from the need for external validation.

How To Make Friends As An Adult

This morning I was the riding the subway into work and I made a new friend. She was very talkative, had a lot of questions, and ended the conversation with "I love you, bye." She was also three years old. Not exactly new friend material for an adult. It was a cute interaction and did spark conversation with me and my fellow rider but it also brought up some thoughts and feelings for me. How come it's so easy for little kids to make friends, but for adults it seems impossible? Much of the loneliness I encounter in my office is about friendship, not romantic love. People in NYC feel lonely. They feel it is difficult to meet new friends, keep them and maintain these friendships in a city where people walk fast, talk fast, and seem to have no extra time. Gone are the days of just popping over to your friends place. Now, as an adult, living in a big city you have to make even coffee plans weeks in advance. These circumstance often lead to people feeling detached, lonely and like it is impossible to meet people that they really connect with and can stay connected to. So, how do we do it? How can we as adults start making true friendships that help us grow and are sustainable? 

1. Mine the current people you interact with

If you think about it you probably interact with a lot of people on a daily or weekly basis. Any chance for growth in any of these relationships? Is there someone you have wanted to get to know better or become closer to? If there is try going to coffee or having lunch on a more frequent basis. Ask them questions and follow up with them about what's going on in their lives. Basically, show more interest and you may get some interest back in return. 

2. Throw small parties at your place

Obviously this is a suggestion for people who like hosting. If you do indeed like to put out a nice spread and have a group of people in your living space, try throwing a monthly party where you invite your friends and have each of them invite one friend. It can be as few as 3 people you know, you still get to meet 3 new potential friends! It’s a great and safe way to interact with strangers on your own turf so you feel a little more at ease. 

3. Find a hobby or take your current hobby public 

Love to knit? Play banjo? Dance? Make pottery? Run? There is a group for everything these days. Go online and find a one that already does what you do on your own or what you want to start doing and get to doing that thing with other people! This is a great way to meet new people you share a common interest with which allows for easier beginning conversations that could turn into lasting friendships. 

4. Volunteer 

Maybe you already volunteer and that is awesome! But if you haven't made any new friends in your current position maybe it's time to branch out? Or if you don’t currently volunteer give it a try. You'll feel great about doing something good for your community and you will likely meet at least one other person who you may want to get to know better. 

5. Be Vulnerable 

This is the hardest thing for most people. In order to feel close to others you must be vulnerable. It's easy to make acquaintances  but often having many people who don’t know us well makes us feel more lonely than having a few close friends. So how do you do this? Take risks, be open, and trust your new friends. Also, be interested and willing to listen to them be open. Doing these things will give you the opportunity to truly get to know the people in your life and it could lead to deeper, more rewarding friendships. And ultimately, Isn't that what we all want? 

None of these suggestions are easy. Try one at a time and take it slow. You don’t have to be at your best, but you do have to be there.  It can be scary but it will be worth it. 

References 

https://www.bustle.com/articles/90744-7-ways-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult-because-its-not-as-easy-as-it 

http://www.refinery29.com/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult#slide 

http://time.com/4085138/adult-friendship-advice/ 

http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-science-of-making-friends-1460992572

The 6 Rules That Will Make Your Friendships Last

Friendships, especially between women, can be so rewarding and powerful but there are times when it's hard to manage friendships. Sometimes they can actually make you feel pretty shitty. Especially when you feel like people don’t respect your time, space, and personal needs. People talk about these aspects of romantic relationships, but what about in friendship? Relationships between women and their female friends sometimes have more drama than any of our romantic relationship. This is often due to the fact that women are taught that they should be everything to everyone. We should be able to juggle crazy work schedules, countless social engagements, be a devoted friend with endless time to hang and talk, and have a stellar home life full of explosive sex and awesome home cooked meals. Does this honestly sound like a realistic expectation? Check out these guidelines that will help you maintain your friendships without putting an unrealistic amount of pressure on yourself to be more than anyone can be.

1.     Be honest with yourself and your friends about your schedule.

I find it hard to do this myself so I know it’s a lot to ask but if you do it, I promise it will lead to less misunderstandings and hurt feelings in your friendships. The first step here is to understand how much free time you have. I work a lot. I have weird hours. I know making plans on weeknights is next to impossible. If someone is willing to be on standby if I have a client who cancels, great! Otherwise, I stay away from weekday plans and focus on organizing my weekend schedule to be able to fit in downtime, plans with friends, and plans with my partner. Use a planner, Google calendar, your phone calendar and schedule your time so you know on average how much time you can really devote to social engagements and still be your awesome self at work and at home.

2.     Don’t beat yourself up when you have to say no.

When people ask me to do something I almost always want to automatically say “YES!” But as I've pointed out that’s probably unrealistic given my current schedule. So every time a friend wants to do something I say I have to check my schedule. Twice. I hate to say yes and then back out and that creates all sorts of awful feelings so if I say yes I want to be sure it's for real. Of course things come up and I have had to cancel plans. But I try and keep it to a minimum. Saying no sucks. It really does. But when I do I always try to offer an alternative or follow up soon after with a time and date I can do something. This usually mitigates my guilty feelings and makes me feel OK about having to give the unpopular answer of "no."

3.     Say something when someone makes you feel bad about not having enough time.

Most people have at least one friend who is more needy than the others. This friend can often make us feel like we aren't doing enough. We never have enough time. When we do hang out it's not long enough. This friend is tough. Inevitably you will let this friend down. When you do they often know exactly what to say or do to make you feel terrible about it. When you see this dynamic popping up in your friendships, say something. I know it can be hard. I know most of us don’t like confrontation but if you let this dynamic go on it will fester and your resentment for this friend will grow. It will come out somehow. Take the control and explain to your friend how their judgment and comments make you feel. In the long run it will make the friendship healthier and you will feel better in it.

4.     Utilize your unexpected breaks.

I live in New York City. Here it seems like you have to make plans weeks in advance to get some quality time with your friends. No one just spontaneously makes plans. I realized this about a year ago, and since have decided to buck tradition. If I get a break in my day or have a cancellation I text or call anyone I may not have seen in a while, or that I want to see and ask if they are free. You would be surprised how many people have been free and have grabbed a quick drink or coffee with me. Don’t be scared to ask for last minute plans just because it's not "done." Reach out, what the worst that will happen?

5.     Combine work and play

I’m weird in that I really like the gym, yoga, and dance classes. All these things are work and take up valuable time that could be spent with friends. So I include my friends. If I'm thinking about trying a new class or hitting up a gym location close to where a friend works or lives I reach out and ask if they would like to join. This doesn’t just apply to working out. You could do this with a hobby, cooking, and even work events if your job lends itself to it. Sometimes pulling double duty really pays off.

6.     Make a friend schedule and try to stick to it.     

This may sound a little too Type A, but it's who I am. I realized when I started working two jobs and both started consuming my free time in the evenings that I would never see any of my friends again if I didn’t do something drastic. So I sent an email to everyone I care about asking for friend dates. I asked everyone to schedule a date with me that we could keep once a month or once every other month. I expressed that I was flexible but would love it if we could plan on 1 time a month when we could count on getting together. Amy picked brunch on the 3rd Sunday of every month. Katie was a Friday night dinner date the 2nd Friday of every month. Jessica picked the 1st Saturday of every month for dinner. And so on. Of course we don’t end up doing it every month, but I see these friends a lot more than I would have if we hadn't made it a part of our scheduled time.

We are all busy. We are all tired at days end. We all have responsibilities, too many people we want to spend time with, and not enough time to do it. Make your life easier and your friendships sweeter by implementing these rules into your life. You will feel empowered, in control, and most importantly closer to the ones you love and call friends.