This morning I was the riding the subway into work and I made a new friend. She was very talkative, had a lot of questions, and ended the conversation with "I love you, bye." She was also three years old. Not exactly new friend material for an adult. It was a cute interaction and did spark conversation with me and my fellow rider but it also brought up some thoughts and feelings for me. How come it's so easy for little kids to make friends, but for adults it seems impossible? Much of the loneliness I encounter in my office is about friendship, not romantic love. People in NYC feel lonely. They feel it is difficult to meet new friends, keep them and maintain these friendships in a city where people walk fast, talk fast, and seem to have no extra time. Gone are the days of just popping over to your friends place. Now, as an adult, living in a big city you have to make even coffee plans weeks in advance. These circumstance often lead to people feeling detached, lonely and like it is impossible to meet people that they really connect with and can stay connected to. So, how do we do it? How can we as adults start making true friendships that help us grow and are sustainable?
1. Mine the current people you interact with
If you think about it you probably interact with a lot of people on a daily or weekly basis. Any chance for growth in any of these relationships? Is there someone you have wanted to get to know better or become closer to? If there is try going to coffee or having lunch on a more frequent basis. Ask them questions and follow up with them about what's going on in their lives. Basically, show more interest and you may get some interest back in return.
2. Throw small parties at your place
Obviously this is a suggestion for people who like hosting. If you do indeed like to put out a nice spread and have a group of people in your living space, try throwing a monthly party where you invite your friends and have each of them invite one friend. It can be as few as 3 people you know, you still get to meet 3 new potential friends! It’s a great and safe way to interact with strangers on your own turf so you feel a little more at ease.
3. Find a hobby or take your current hobby public
Love to knit? Play banjo? Dance? Make pottery? Run? There is a group for everything these days. Go online and find a one that already does what you do on your own or what you want to start doing and get to doing that thing with other people! This is a great way to meet new people you share a common interest with which allows for easier beginning conversations that could turn into lasting friendships.
4. Volunteer
Maybe you already volunteer and that is awesome! But if you haven't made any new friends in your current position maybe it's time to branch out? Or if you don’t currently volunteer give it a try. You'll feel great about doing something good for your community and you will likely meet at least one other person who you may want to get to know better.
5. Be Vulnerable
This is the hardest thing for most people. In order to feel close to others you must be vulnerable. It's easy to make acquaintances but often having many people who don’t know us well makes us feel more lonely than having a few close friends. So how do you do this? Take risks, be open, and trust your new friends. Also, be interested and willing to listen to them be open. Doing these things will give you the opportunity to truly get to know the people in your life and it could lead to deeper, more rewarding friendships. And ultimately, Isn't that what we all want?
None of these suggestions are easy. Try one at a time and take it slow. You don’t have to be at your best, but you do have to be there. It can be scary but it will be worth it.
References
http://www.refinery29.com/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult#slide
http://time.com/4085138/adult-friendship-advice/
http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-science-of-making-friends-1460992572