Friendships, especially between women, can be so rewarding and powerful but there are times when it's hard to manage friendships. Sometimes they can actually make you feel pretty shitty. Especially when you feel like people don’t respect your time, space, and personal needs. People talk about these aspects of romantic relationships, but what about in friendship? Relationships between women and their female friends sometimes have more drama than any of our romantic relationship. This is often due to the fact that women are taught that they should be everything to everyone. We should be able to juggle crazy work schedules, countless social engagements, be a devoted friend with endless time to hang and talk, and have a stellar home life full of explosive sex and awesome home cooked meals. Does this honestly sound like a realistic expectation? Check out these guidelines that will help you maintain your friendships without putting an unrealistic amount of pressure on yourself to be more than anyone can be.
1. Be honest with yourself and your friends about your schedule.
I find it hard to do this myself so I know it’s a lot to ask but if you do it, I promise it will lead to less misunderstandings and hurt feelings in your friendships. The first step here is to understand how much free time you have. I work a lot. I have weird hours. I know making plans on weeknights is next to impossible. If someone is willing to be on standby if I have a client who cancels, great! Otherwise, I stay away from weekday plans and focus on organizing my weekend schedule to be able to fit in downtime, plans with friends, and plans with my partner. Use a planner, Google calendar, your phone calendar and schedule your time so you know on average how much time you can really devote to social engagements and still be your awesome self at work and at home.
2. Don’t beat yourself up when you have to say no.
When people ask me to do something I almost always want to automatically say “YES!” But as I've pointed out that’s probably unrealistic given my current schedule. So every time a friend wants to do something I say I have to check my schedule. Twice. I hate to say yes and then back out and that creates all sorts of awful feelings so if I say yes I want to be sure it's for real. Of course things come up and I have had to cancel plans. But I try and keep it to a minimum. Saying no sucks. It really does. But when I do I always try to offer an alternative or follow up soon after with a time and date I can do something. This usually mitigates my guilty feelings and makes me feel OK about having to give the unpopular answer of "no."
3. Say something when someone makes you feel bad about not having enough time.
Most people have at least one friend who is more needy than the others. This friend can often make us feel like we aren't doing enough. We never have enough time. When we do hang out it's not long enough. This friend is tough. Inevitably you will let this friend down. When you do they often know exactly what to say or do to make you feel terrible about it. When you see this dynamic popping up in your friendships, say something. I know it can be hard. I know most of us don’t like confrontation but if you let this dynamic go on it will fester and your resentment for this friend will grow. It will come out somehow. Take the control and explain to your friend how their judgment and comments make you feel. In the long run it will make the friendship healthier and you will feel better in it.
4. Utilize your unexpected breaks.
I live in New York City. Here it seems like you have to make plans weeks in advance to get some quality time with your friends. No one just spontaneously makes plans. I realized this about a year ago, and since have decided to buck tradition. If I get a break in my day or have a cancellation I text or call anyone I may not have seen in a while, or that I want to see and ask if they are free. You would be surprised how many people have been free and have grabbed a quick drink or coffee with me. Don’t be scared to ask for last minute plans just because it's not "done." Reach out, what the worst that will happen?
5. Combine work and play
I’m weird in that I really like the gym, yoga, and dance classes. All these things are work and take up valuable time that could be spent with friends. So I include my friends. If I'm thinking about trying a new class or hitting up a gym location close to where a friend works or lives I reach out and ask if they would like to join. This doesn’t just apply to working out. You could do this with a hobby, cooking, and even work events if your job lends itself to it. Sometimes pulling double duty really pays off.
6. Make a friend schedule and try to stick to it.
This may sound a little too Type A, but it's who I am. I realized when I started working two jobs and both started consuming my free time in the evenings that I would never see any of my friends again if I didn’t do something drastic. So I sent an email to everyone I care about asking for friend dates. I asked everyone to schedule a date with me that we could keep once a month or once every other month. I expressed that I was flexible but would love it if we could plan on 1 time a month when we could count on getting together. Amy picked brunch on the 3rd Sunday of every month. Katie was a Friday night dinner date the 2nd Friday of every month. Jessica picked the 1st Saturday of every month for dinner. And so on. Of course we don’t end up doing it every month, but I see these friends a lot more than I would have if we hadn't made it a part of our scheduled time.
We are all busy. We are all tired at days end. We all have responsibilities, too many people we want to spend time with, and not enough time to do it. Make your life easier and your friendships sweeter by implementing these rules into your life. You will feel empowered, in control, and most importantly closer to the ones you love and call friends.