Self Doubt comes in many forms and flavors. We can see it in all aspects of our life or in very specific parts of our existence. It’s a feeling that plagues the young, the old, and the middle-aged. A very difficult emotion to contend with, it can capsize our rickety rowboat of a life at any time, anywhere. For some it’s a constant. The questions and negative self talk come at them all day every day. “Am I doing this wrong?” “Who let me have this job? I’m completely incompetent.” “I don’t deserve friends like this.” “My partner is crazy for loving me.” These thoughts and the feelings that come with them can be crippling, breeding anxiety and a feeling of being completely ineffectual at your job, your life, and your relationships.
So, where does this self-doubt come from? Most psychological theories would tell you it began in childhood. Erickson’s psychosocial stages assert that between the ages of 18 months and 3 years old we all struggle with the crisis of autonomy vs. shame and doubt. To be autonomous your parents must allow you to be more independent, and support and encourage exploration. If this does not happen and you cant move through this stage successfully you end up feeling a sense of shame and doubting your own abilities (http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html). Attachment theory also indicates that unless you form a secure attachment with your caregiver you are likely to feel unworthy, unable to form healthy relationships, and have a feeling of doubt in your ability to give and receive care (https://www.psychologistworld.com/developmental/attachment-theory.php). Simply put if one is not encouraged, supported, allowed to be independent, nurtured, and loved they may suffer with some form of self doubt at some point in their lives. Now that we know where it comes from, what do we do about it?
1. Talk about it
When we have issues that stem from early childhood experiences it is best to try and sort through them with a trained professional. If you have chronic self-doubt seek out a therapist and start delving into your past. Discover what may have contributed to these feelings and start working through them.
2. Understand and have Compassion for Yourself
This is a very difficult thing to do when you have a pattern of blaming yourself for what is wrong in your life. Start small. When you have a doubting thought look at it and literally talk to yourself. Even if some element of the thought is true focus on the positive or strengths you have and try and combat the negativity you are so used to.
3. Remember YOU are in charge of your own life
You have the all the power in you life. You dictate what you want, need and choose to have . You are not your negative thoughts about yourself. Empower yourself to be the person you want to be and remember that you have the power to change.
4. Have awareness of when the feelings of self-doubt crop up
Self doubt can often feel like just an overwhelming feeling of “I cant.” Try to focus in and be aware of the moments where doubt enters your mind. Are you always at work? With your partner? With friends? Notice when you doubt yourself most and start identifying triggers. Once you know when it happens your half way to understanding why its happening.
Not being confident in who you are or what you are doing can feel crippling. It can lead to career, life, and relationship changes that are not authentic to who you really are. Self-doubt impedes are moments of pleasure and makes everything seem like it is much harder work than it actually it. Understanding, talking about, and working through these feelings can lead to so many positive changes in your life. I’m not going to lie, exploring these feelings can also be painful and difficult but in the end having confidence in who you are, what you want, and your choices will be totally worth it.