Intellectually you know you have people who care for you and if you picked up the phone they would answer your call. Emotionally you feel alone. The kind of alone that no one can touch. You know even if you did reach out to a friend, parent, or sibling you would still have this heavy feeling of being alone even if they showed up for you. Where does this feeling come from? How do you deal with it when you realize its there? This is a tough one to get through. But the key is to work with the feeling. Don’t fight it, push it away, or ignore it. Start with a level of acceptance, "I feel alone" and then get curious about it.
Often feeling alone is also a feeling of being isolated. When was the last time you felt this way? It often is a very young feeling, meaning, you have had this feeling before when you were a child and felt there was no one to depend on. But here is the thing, you are not young anymore and while that feeling was true for you then it probably isn't 100% true now. The key here is to parse out what is a now feeling and what is an old feeling resurfacing. Talk about when you felt alone before. Even though it's painful it can help you to understand why you are feeling this way now and what tools you have as an adult to deal with the feeling.
Another unfortunate thing that happens when we feel alone is we can become very self-critical. Our inner voice can start the blame game and make us believe we have created this reality for ourselves. While that could be true, you could be self-isolating, another explanation could be that many people feel alone in our current society and that is bred by how our society functions, not by how we have operated in society. Living in a society focused on individuality and getting ahead can often leave people feeling disconnected and alone.
So how do we work with this feeling of being alone, isolated, or lonely? Below are some tips on how to get through this feeling without becoming deeply depressed or incapacitated.
1. Recognize the feeling and talk about it Sometimes it's hard to say what your feeling when you are feeling it. Try and write down the symptoms and thoughts you are experiencing and connect it to a feeling state. For example: "I feel like there is no one in my life I can count on. No one who understand me. I don't feel connected to anyone." All of this would equal-I feel alone.
2. Even though its hard, go out in the world
When you are feeling alone, lonely or isolated the idea of going out can be daunting. Try something small when taking your first trek into the world with this feeling. Even something as simple as going to your local coffee shop or bar could be enough. Just get out of your normal enviornment and try something new that involves other people being around. Sometimes a change of space can change your feeling.
3. Engage in positive self talk
We talked about that critical voice earlier. Focus on those thoughts and try your best combat anything negative you are saying to yourself with at least one positive. If that is too difficult just try a simple reframe like, "I am awful that is why I am so alone" could be reframed to "I am having a difficult time and I feel alone, but the truth is I have _________ who loves and cares about me."
4. Put your focus outwards and on others
Feeling alone can keep you in your own head space a lot of the time and can create circular thinking that is not great for working through the feeling. Try listening to a friend talk about what there going through. Or volunteering in your community or at work for a small additional project. Do things that put your focus on others rather than you and you may find you will feel more connected.
5. Be Kind
This one can be difficult when your feeling really low but it can also be the most rewarding. Start with yourself. Be nice to you. When you are feeling badly the last thing you need to do it put more pressure on yourself or engage in self-criticism. Then move it outward. Say thank you to the doorman who always hold the elevator for you at work. Give your seat to someone on the subway. Being kind breeds kindness and is bound to make you feel like you are engaging in the world in some meaningful way which will in turn make you feel a little bit less alone.
References:
http://www.psychalive.org/isolation-and-loneliness/
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/16/10-more-ideas-to-help-with-loneliness/
